Someone Else

“What would you be doing if you weren’t doing this?”

When I listen to comedians, writers, and actors in interviews give their answers to this question, I hear myself in their words. Sometimes they do give an alternative career, but mostly they say something about how they aren’t cut out for any other kind of work.

Because I grew up hard with a stern seed of survival placed into my chest, and because I have always struggled with self-doubt and low self-esteem, I’ve learned to make my way in this world. And I’ve lost a part of my soul to the corporate entity in exchange for my livelihood. And as I eke out my meager earnings, finding no meaning in the work, I have an almost daily existential crisis. I don’t drink or escape with drugs, and the distraction of entertainment only sharpens the tool I use on myself when feeling the fleeting moments of my mortal life passing without the creation of art anyone truly cares about, the only thing that saves me is complacency, which only furthers to churn the cycle of failure.

Please understand, I have sacrificed a normal life in pursuit of my dreams. I moved far away from my loved ones, and I have no children. Both were conscious choices, and despite my almost constant writing, I am left feeling fruitless.

During the time I refer to as “the era of Chalkskin,” I recorded a song that expressed my feelings from the perspective of my rapper persona.


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